Cafés and Conversations
During the initial phase of my college life, when I was 18 or something, I remember walking past cafés decorated with fancy lights and funky art and experiencing an unspeakable forlornness. The street from my college to the bus stop was a busy one, filled with innumerable food joints and stationery shops. Some days, I had to spend extra hours in college late in the evening. And without my friends to accompany me, the long walks would weigh me down. I used to look at the cafés and observe the pale reflections from the translucent glass doors, a blurry image of fluorescence, tables, people walking around, and people sitting and talking. Sometimes, the seats will be mostly empty except for a few young couples scattered, sitting opposite their loved ones, sipping coffee, and talking. I could not make out the content of their conversations, but with the giggles, playful taps on the shoulders, and synchronizing gesticulations, I imagine that they are in love, and this is how being in love feels.
Conversations are catalysts for meaningful connections. The mere act of being present in the here and now, the neurons activating the brain centers and sparking your conversational memory, the seamless flow of words, intonations, modulations, and the rhythm of your voice vibrating and oscillating through the air, the speaker gesturing, the listener nodding, emotions purging, and throughout, your eyes transfixed on each other. And I firmly believe that is how you fall in love with a person.
I was fortunate enough to be on the other side of the café doors with my lover, even though it was short-lived. The mentally stimulating and emotionally upheaving conversations I had with my then-lover still bring warmth whenever I think of them.
Here are some themes we touched upon during our dates that brought us closer, and for any relationship to move to the next level of intimacy, these would do the trick.
1. Childhood
I still remember the exact moment I fell in love with her. We were talking about her childhood, and she remembered how dethroned she felt after the birth of her sibling. The misplaced affection and the newly assigned role of a protector had robbed her of childhood innocence and playfulness. The feeling of being replaced can cause severe abandonment and unlovable wounds. I was actively listening to her, surprised by how vividly she described her feelings. Self-reflection is one of the essential signs of emotional maturity. When reminiscing on childhood experiences, you understand the person’s core self. About who they were before life happened to them.
2. Parents
You need not impersonate the ‘Freud with a Cigar’ look. But conversations about parents will hike your way up the vulnerability hill. Undeniably, you can inherit a few patterns, healthy or harmful, from the parenting style of your primary caregivers. But knowing about your relationship with your parents may provide a guide to your attachment style. Your partner can become aware of why sometimes you act the way you do, and both can work towards a peaceful coexistence without neglect or hurt.
3. God
Nothing is more romantic than engaging in cosmic ramblings about beliefs in a Supreme Power and divulging your metacognitive secrets, tapping into the untraversed realms of your souls, and thereby, interweaving two entities separated by space into one indivisible whole. Once you understand a person’s perspectives on God, religion, purpose, and spirituality, you slowly create what I call ‘existential intimacy’. It means that the significance of their existence will always be carried into your heart, with or without them. Their lives are witnessed and will be remembered with great reverence till your last breath.
Engaging in deep conversations about love, life, and loss is my way of falling in love with a person. I value dialogue. I appreciate questions. Inquisitive minds are sexy. To love is to know. And openness to ask and disclose is the only road that leads to one’s heart.
I had my fair share of what Woody Allen would call mental masturbation. Now, whenever I walk past a café, I look at it with a weak smile, hands in my pocket, drooping shoulders, and with a weary sigh, I move on.
